Every time I cry I promise myself that it will be the last time that I cry, tragically it never happen, everytime I cry I will eventually smile again, laugh again, and cry again.
I totally ashamed to my self
Lowest Low April 22, 2009
For all my 24-years of living
I never been in my lowest point on my life just like this time, let me tell you what happen during my past 2 weeks:
- I accidentally flushed water to my camera, the result? I have to bring the camera all the way to Schiphol to repair it and today I got the letter that indicate that my camera can’t be repaired (and then I think do the all sensor on the camera burnt? because it was burning when I try to dry the camera). The thing is I forgot to buy the guarantee when I bought the camera, dead end, I’m doomed. My Sony A200 camera that I just used for 4 days just became a nice memory to me. I’m thinking just to take the camera and bring it all the way to Indonesia, where (sometimes) some creative skillful guys could repair it (if I’m lucky enough to find one)
-I got an opportunity to do thesis on one company (yay! \(^o^)/) but when I made appointment with my lecturer they said they were busy and unable to have a meeting with me untill the 2nd week of May, so eventually it means that I have to postpone my thesis, and my graduation.
-I feel like my housemate avoid me to talk, I don’t know why, perhaps they are the type that ‘I choose to speak outside the house than here’ i feel like my homey becomes cemetery at night and also at the day.
- I haven’t finished to work on my ANSYS assignment, eventhough it’s just 1 ects, it’s surely hell pain in the ass, especially when all I do is procrascinating
- I didn’t pass the Dynamic of Structure’s exam for the 3rd time, that’s it! I’m officially dumb, I’m not good enough on this stuff, and for godsake now I feel regret for taking Floating Structure and Bottom Founded Structure as my specialization
- to add my miserable life now I’m having my period, it hurts so much, not only mentally but also phisically
- I feel like I’m away from my god…
I feel alone, but actually I never alone, I feel so dumb, I feel so silly, I feel I’m nothing, I feel like I don’t want to live any longer, and I really don’t know what to do with my future.
God, are you there?
teenage and cigarettes April 8, 2009
On not very distant past, by the time I still put all my ego on my heart that hard as a rock.
I did all the mistakes that could be thought by teenage girl, I did smoke, I did late night trip, I did crash my car for so many stubid times on same place, I did hate people whose I’m not supposed to, I spent night with boys, I procrascinating, I rarely went to my courses that I supposed to take.
Now, as I’m (supposed) to be more wise I still did it all except smoking and crashing my car (but I’m still able to make my bicycle broken).
Now, I really regret my decision back then especially the smoking decision, back then I did that to compensate all the sleepless night and all the stress that comes out on my mind. Now everytime I stay up late to eork or just insomnia my body starve for the nicotine, caffeine, or any toxin that includes on 4000 cigarrete’s toxin.
This feeling is kinda weird, you hate it but also like it, you miss those smoking time but also wants to forget it. It’s part of my past that always be part of my present and future.
Untill now everytime that smoking idea crossed on my mind, I try to focus myself on something else and make a mental note that I don’t want to die younger than my expected year. Untill today it’s been 2.5 years since my last butt, nice huh?
People said ‘It’s just a memory, it doesn’t have any power’
