ADD

I always think that I have ADD (attention deficit disorder ) I’m always easily to get attracted with something else and always have difficulties to remembering something, focus on a topic or a job and I can’t make priority in life. According to wikipedia this is the characteristic of adult ADD:

• Procrastination
• Indecision, difficulty recalling and organizing details required for a task
• Poor time management, losing track of time
• Avoiding tasks or jobs that require sustained attention
• Difficulty initiating tasks
• Difficulty completing and following through on tasks
• Difficulty multitasking
• Difficulty shifting attention from one task to another

All those things always happen to me when I’m working on something, just like now I should studying, but my mind is wandering from one place to another, just like now I’m thinking about when the last time I went home, just because I listened to music from a year ago, back then I felt like a stranger because I didn’t know anything about the latest music trends, latest gossip, and more over it felt so weird when I saw so many Indonesian surrounds me. I felt weird and being a stranger in my own country, funny huh?

Oh, see, I think I really have ADD, I turn to one subject to another to easily. Anyone could tell me how to stay focus all day?

unchained

So many things have passed this followong months, ‘ve been through hell a lot of thinds that makes me realize who I am, what I don’t want to be, but wtill figuring out what I really want to be.

My friend and my boy friend told that I’ve been ungratefull, I’ve changed, and I’m not the one they used to know. Perhaps they are right, perhaps I was wrong, I don’t know. In my position, in my condition I feel like I really want to be free from anything, I don’t want to think about people’s thought of me. They can say everything about me, but they don’t really give any attempt to help me, to change me the way that they wish.

On the time like this Jhonny Cash’s song unchained really reflect what I feel.

Unchained lyrics

I have been ungrateful, I’ve been unwise.
Restless from the cradle, now I realize.
It’s so hard to see the rainbow through glasses dark as these. Maybe I’ll be able from now on, on my knees.

[chorus]
Oh I am weak. Oh I know I am vain.
Take this weight from me, Let my spirit be unchained.

Old man swearin’ at the sidewalk, I’m overcome.
Seems that we’ve both forgotten, forgotten to go home.
Oh have I seen an angel, or have I seen a ghost? Where’s that Rock of Ages when I need it most?

[repeat chorus]

With deep voice, accoustic guitars, his voice, this song seemed to have an spriritual-mystical effect on my soul. It touched the deepest part of my soul and gave me creeps every time I heard it. Especially during the chorus, the lyrics, the emotion that created from this song, it’s amazing.

Oh I am weak. Oh I know I am vain.
Take this weight from me, Let my spirit be unchained.

 

 

friendship

not so long time ago I believe that friend is someone that you really able to count on, but now I don’thave any faith on that words.

I mean, to be honest, all my friends hurt me, stab me, dissed me, left me, and sometimes they didn’t know that I’m exist.

All my journey makes me think the necessity of friend, do I really need them?

I do feel alone a lot of time, and I know that I won’t be able to shed the feelingif I don’t see snybody else. But do we have to call the friend?

I’m kinda skeptical with all these friend thing they hurt me so much, just like my boyfriend always do. But my friends they are meanier, I mean sometimes you didn’t do anything and they just let you go.

People say thatfriendship is just like platonic love, you love people but you can’t expect the love will return back, it’s tragically true. But I’m a demanding person, I don’t like if someone don’t reply my love, my affection, or whatever is the name, and I’m easily to have trauma. Once my heart is hurt, I don’t want to get hurt anymore. That’s why I’m not easy when it comes to friend people relationship, and sometimes I regret it I really want to be friendly but  I can’t or I should say my heart and my mind not in the same place.

My beloved fella, I dunno what should I say about it, I know I should change myself but I dunno where to start, but most important question is still a mistery will I ever get a good, nice friend, hat will accomply my standard?

Promise

Every time I cry I promise myself that it will be the last time that I cry, tragically it never happen, everytime I cry I will eventually smile again, laugh again, and cry again.

I totally ashamed to my self

Lowest Low

For all my 24-years of living

I never been in my lowest point on my life just like this time, let me tell you what happen during my past 2 weeks:

- I accidentally flushed water to my camera, the result? I have to bring the camera all the way to Schiphol to repair it and today I got the letter that indicate that my camera can’t be repaired (and then I think do the all sensor on the camera burnt? because it was burning when I try to dry the camera). The thing is I forgot to buy the guarantee when I bought the camera, dead end, I’m doomed. My Sony A200 camera that I just used for 4 days just became a nice memory to me. I’m thinking just to take the camera and bring it all the way to Indonesia, where (sometimes) some creative skillful guys could repair it (if I’m lucky enough to find one)

-I got an opportunity to do thesis on one company (yay! \(^o^)/) but when I made appointment with my lecturer they said they were busy and unable to have a meeting with me untill the 2nd week of May, so eventually it means that I have to postpone my thesis, and my graduation.

-I feel like my housemate avoid me to talk, I don’t know why, perhaps they are  the type that ‘I choose to speak outside the house than here’ i feel like my homey becomes cemetery at night and also at the day.

- I haven’t finished to work on my ANSYS assignment, eventhough it’s just 1 ects, it’s surely hell pain in the ass, especially when all I do is procrascinating

- I didn’t pass the Dynamic of Structure’s exam for the 3rd time, that’s it! I’m officially dumb,  I’m not good enough on this stuff, and for godsake now I feel regret for taking Floating Structure and Bottom Founded Structure as my specialization

- to add my miserable life now I’m having my period, it hurts so much, not only mentally but also phisically

- I feel like I’m away from my god…

I feel alone, but actually I never alone, I feel so dumb, I feel so silly, I feel I’m nothing, I feel like I don’t want to live any longer, and I really don’t know what to do with my future.

God, are you there?

teenage and cigarettes

On not very distant past, by the time I still put all my ego on my heart that hard as a rock.

I did all the mistakes that could be thought by teenage girl, I did smoke, I did late night trip, I did crash my car for so many stubid times on same place, I did hate people whose I’m not supposed to, I spent night with boys, I procrascinating, I rarely went to my courses that I supposed to take.

Now, as I’m (supposed) to be more wise I still did it all except smoking and crashing my car (but I’m still able to make my bicycle broken).

Now, I really regret my decision back then especially the smoking decision, back then I did that to compensate all the sleepless night and all the stress that comes out on my mind. Now everytime I stay up late to eork or just insomnia my body starve for the nicotine, caffeine, or any toxin that includes on 4000 cigarrete’s toxin.

This feeling is kinda weird, you hate it but also like it, you miss those smoking time but also wants to forget it. It’s part of my past that always be part of my present and future.

Untill now everytime that smoking idea crossed on my mind, I try to focus myself on something else and make a mental note that I don’t want to die younger than my expected year. Untill today it’s been 2.5 years since my last butt, nice huh?

People said ‘It’s just a memory, it doesn’t have any power’

Where will you be in another 5 years?

I probably want to live in Japan, taking a doctoral course about very large floating structure, while taking care of my only child, and off course I’d like to deliver my child abroad. I will prefer to live with my husband who just taking his master degree.

quarter life crisis

in 9 months and 15 days I’ll have my bithday and I’ll turn 25, according to wikipedia right now I’m having a quarter life crisis, and how do I know it? It could recognize by it’s characteristic, it includes:

Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include^:

• feeling “not good enough” because one can’t find a job that is at one’s academic/intellectual level
• frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
• confusion of identity
• insecurity regarding the near future
• insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments
• re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
• disappointment with one’s job
• nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
• tendency to hold stronger opinions
• boredom with social interactions
• loss of closeness to high school and college friends
• financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
• loneliness
• desire to have children
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you

I think somehow I had all those emotional aspects, unfortunately wikipedia doesn’t show how do I should handle it and when I could get over it. I guess stay calm, stay cool, keep praying, keep positive thinking should solve my problem.

But one thing for sure, I don’t want to lose from this crisis! WAPAW! (Jet Li style of kicking)

crash in

Living in Netherland sometimes makes me feel like I’m livin in Twilight Zone, everyone acts different here, eventhough you know them well, sometimes you have to face the fact that you NEVER know them well.

I always tried to get close by Indonesian community here but by the time I tried to crashed in to some friends place, some people will say ‘hey you didn’t send me any news that you would get here’ sometimes I wonder what happen to all those people who always welcome their guess, and do the talk until midnight? Am I the one who always rejected by people or people really already changed? Because back then when I was living in village called Bandung, my friend always be friendly to me and welcoming every time I went to their house.

In the era of internet some people may say ‘hey why don’t  you send me an e-mail?’, I have to admit I really hate rejection, when I sent e-mail there will be 50% of rejection, and It’s kind of makes me dissapointed and sometimes it makes me feel like I’m useless and undervalued, some people even put formal word on their e-mail and it makes me think that they really don’t want me to come to their house.

Oh well, accepted or not accepted it’s their right, I did my best as a human who wants to bound silahturahim at least I did best according to me, what comes to me?  Wallahualam Bissawab..

Just a thought

Yesterday,

My friend remind me that I should update my blog, so here it is I update my blog.

Last we met friend of a friend, she’s ms.T friend and studied in Korea, it’s been a while since I talked with real Indonesian girl, that girl who took international law as her study is amazing she can express her feeling she can describe about her department, and really I can’t say anything when she told me that she was really upset with her friend because they are being in a group and she really felt that she’s being outside the group.Isn’t she just amazing? I mean I never tell the story that if it’s a group I’m always be alone, because I thought it’s normal.

To be honest sister, I’m always feel that I’m outside the group, never be accepted everywhere, I have to admit that I do really feel lonely in this world and sometimes it got me struck and I feel can’t do anything, and I’m fighting against that feeling, or exactly I don’t know whether I should fight it or accept the feeling as part of me. God, what did I wrote?

Ms.T’s friend thanks for making me realize about the value of friendship, living in Europe makes me want to forget about that, but for now can I just keep this feeling inside?can I just live inhumanly, torturing my heart with acting pragmatism to my surround environment, well I guess until I finish my study, just let me learn from the world about the real world.

Hey, this blog makes me think, why am I writing such a thing that made me sad?Just cheer up, rise your head up high, because you never know perhaps this day the world is being nice to you.