teenage and cigarettes

On not very distant past, by the time I still put all my ego on my heart that hard as a rock.

I did all the mistakes that could be thought by teenage girl, I did smoke, I did late night trip, I did crash my car for so many stubid times on same place, I did hate people whose I’m not supposed to, I spent night with boys, I procrascinating, I rarely went to my courses that I supposed to take.

Now, as I’m (supposed) to be more wise I still did it all except smoking and crashing my car (but I’m still able to make my bicycle broken).

Now, I really regret my decision back then especially the smoking decision, back then I did that to compensate all the sleepless night and all the stress that comes out on my mind. Now everytime I stay up late to eork or just insomnia my body starve for the nicotine, caffeine, or any toxin that includes on 4000 cigarrete’s toxin.

This feeling is kinda weird, you hate it but also like it, you miss those smoking time but also wants to forget it. It’s part of my past that always be part of my present and future.

Untill now everytime that smoking idea crossed on my mind, I try to focus myself on something else and make a mental note that I don’t want to die younger than my expected year. Untill today it’s been 2.5 years since my last butt, nice huh?

People said ‘It’s just a memory, it doesn’t have any power’

I want

I browsed DSLR camera price (again!) I found that sony A-200K with price tag 294 eur,or 4.5 million rupiahs. Even in Indonesia I will never found this type of camera within this range of price.It would be more expensive in Indonesia. To be concise it’s a great deal.

I’d like to buy it, but I’m officially broke, I don’t have any job, should I ask my dad to buy it for me? Or should I just give the money to victims of Situ Gintung?

Where will you be in another 5 years?

I probably want to live in Japan, taking a doctoral course about very large floating structure, while taking care of my only child, and off course I’d like to deliver my child abroad. I will prefer to live with my husband who just taking his master degree.

tinutuan porridge

This week I had a terrible sore throat and unfortunately the only food that left is lasagna, I didn’t want to eat lasagna due to the oil.

I really need something to warm my throat and as an energy supply so I could study during the exam. There were several options crossed on my mind. First thing that crossed on my mind is Nasi tim (steamed rice), but I don’t have steamer so I skipped the option, and then bubur ayam (chicken porridge) I’m pretty bored with chicken so I also skipped that. My last option is Bubur Manado or Tinutuan porridge it’s easy to make and also warms my throat.

Why did those options came across my mind?My mother is a culinary adventurer, every time one of her children got cold she always gave them warm food like porridge or steamed rice, and as time goes by we knew where is the best place to buy those foods.

Afterward every time I got sick I always want to eat porridge or just warm food, now I’m living in Netherland hence I have to cook my own food even though when I am sick.

So I browsed for the recipe but eventually the ingredients is rather hard for me to find, so I make my own version of this porridge. I called it Tinutuan version lazy student

Ingredients:

300 gr bulgur (I found it on Turkish shop, I think it’s a wheat grain  it’s quicker to cook than rice)

1500 ml water

200 gr sweet potato (in Holland: rode zoet aardpellen)

10 blocks of iced spinach

2 garlic

150 gr cut sweet corn

100 gr smoked salmon (gerookte salmon) I used it because I couldn’t find salted fish

2 laurier leaves (daun salam)

1 sereh

salt + pepper + sugar according to your taste

Preparations:

cook bulgur with boiled water and occasionally stir  it so it wont stick to the pan

peel the sweet potato and cut cubically about 2×2x2 (I can’t find appropriate word for kotak2)

once the bulgur is half cooked add the potato, corn, finely chopped garlic and stir it’s cooked

add the frozen spinach and salmon, daun salam and sereh add about 100 ml water stir it

and add sugar, salt and pepper and cook until the water is fully absorb.

Serve it warm

They said that it’s best if you serve it with sambal tomat, but again I’m not into the hot and spicy food.

While you can’t the taste please enjoy the picture!

Blabbering

A friend of mine is a campus activist, when I talked with him or just listened to his stories I felt so small.

He, who has same age as I do already did a lot of thing in the world in the name of idealism and nationalism.

Me who is still struggling with my quarter life crisis and hate to think deeply about my future and prefer to go with the flow than stuck in a problem.

I don’t know which one is better, but when I talked to him I felt that my life is worse, I never thought about my future, my country, and what should I do to improve the quality of my surrounding.Kinda sucks.

Makes me felt tired being me.

will I ever get a chance to improve my surrounds?or just to improve my self, I guess the answer to that question is I’ll never get a chance unless I look for it.

today

Today, I feel like I’m the most useless person in the world, so helpless and I even couldn’t even help myself

I know I should prepare for exam or just working on my assignment but eventually I just spent my day in front of my laptop doing something that makes not worth to live as a student.

I have a bad habit to call my boyfriend, and if we had a lengthty conversation it will be end up in fight, and after the fight I didn’t have any desire to do anything, good for him (because he can do whatever he wants to do) but bad for me (I finally spent my day with watching comedy TV series)

Come to think of it  I know I should make a breakthough, say on my studying style, I should encourage myself to study at least 8 hours per week, to prepare the report and working on assignments, try to pass 23 ECTS so I could start my thesis next quarter.

But first of all I have to get my butt off from my glued laptop chair.

I feel

I feel uneasy about my condition

My heart always filled with doubt

I know what should  I do but I feel lazy to start it

I really don’t like my condition now

I need encourage

I need a push

I need everything that could put me on my best performance

I need a breakthrough

I need to break my own shell

I need to be more confidence

I need love

with so much demand in this world

I need to stand still against all the bad thing that could turn me into my night mare

God, I’m begging you

Give me a stronger heart that could defeat any frown

Give me a stronger feet so I could walk further

but most of all

give me a power to accept anything that I couldn’t change

-Jaiyo Dira!-

some note when I was working on BFS assignment

While we live

I fond Kiroro a lot. Who is Kiroro? Kiroro is a duo group that came from Japan, they are very famous on early 90s if you came from my era I bet you’ve heard their song once when we were in high school.

One of their famous song is Mirai-e, I’ll post the viseo on the next post, meanwhile I’d like to share one of their video. It inspired me to stay positive in live.

On the next line put the english translation of the lyrics, enjoy!

While we live

Mama, on the day I was born What was the colour of the sky?
Papa, on the day I was born  How did you feel?

Since then, I began to pick up words My own
Liking, and my means to seek affection Became an inseparable part of me

While we live While we  live Now, beginning from this moment
While we live While we live Our lives expand, and connect

Mama, when you first embraced me in your arms How did you feel?
Papa, the day I was born Were you overjoyed?

Since then, miracles recur…My own
Liking, and encounters I look forward as they continue to nurture

While we live While we live
The dream to keep flapping our wings forever
While we live While we live
The roots grow deep thick and strong

While we live While we live Now, beginning from this moment
While we live While we live Our lives expand, and connect
While we live While we live
The dream to keep flapping our wings forever
While we live While we live
The roots grow deep thick and strong

The roots grow deep thick and strong

credits:thanx for ongyj on you tube!

what is love?

what is love?

I don’t know how am I supposed to answer this question

They said love could defeat anything, they said that love is something that bind to people together, they said if you love someone you will forgive everything.

I haven’t found my own definition about love, does love that stick me and my boyfriend or because I’m just used with him?Does he feel the same and in the same amount of my love? I don’t know either, everytime I talk to him about this topic he turned him self into anger that’s ridicolous but I have no idea why he did that.

-love is listening love is acknowledging and seeing thing as ordinary-

taken from this website

missing you

I miss someone that I can’t  reach

someone that always busy with his own business

someone who didn’t think I’m exist

and didn’t realize that he’s my reason to life

I wish I could be his significant other

but it’s just my imagination

and I ask my self

should I try harder or let the world turns?

There’s no guarantee that he’ll realize

what I felt deep down my heart

-delftse blauw mijn haart ook-

PS: I choose to let the world turn (perhaps) someday we’ll meet in the other world