Category Archives: daily life

D+1, my feeling

Ied El-Fitr, D+1

After my so called celebration of Ied El-Fitr (went to Indonesian moslem’s celebration, went to Wisma Duta, and spent night night on Mba Enik’s home) I should feel refresh, but strangely enough I feel terrible today.

Someday I feel that I did something nasty and unforgiveable and forget about that, what I feel is not regret but sinfull and guilty. I tried to remember it but somehow I couldn’t recall any memories about it, I began to think that I couldn’t differentiate between reality and dream, OMG, what’s wrong with me?

I think somehow someway, it’s just some compensation from my endless depression as student who spent so many money but not (yet) graduate..

I hate it..

usually when I have such a bad premonition like this something bad and nasty will happen, i hope it doesn’t come true

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random dialog

me and my supervisor and literally divided by room divider, our room sit next to each other, and since my lab member only consists of few people, we became close to other.

one day  I met my supervisor to ask about few thing, I brought some paper and such thing, later he talks about matriks and such thing, and he asked me whether I’ll need some matlab script to extract some data, so I just like ‘OK’ but since it’s a bit late he told me to remind him tomorrow, and such weird conversation happen.

Supervisor (S): Please remind me to give you the script tomorrow morning

Stupid master student (SMS) : ummm, ok, I’m easily to forget something, let me just write it first (busy looking for paper)

S:It’s a matlab script to extract delfrac file to matlab input

SMS:rrrrr, what is it again that I have to remind you?

S:to remind me to give you the script

SMS:right (writing, writing)

S:or I could just remind you to remind me that I have to give you the script

SMS: huh? (take me sometimes to understand his word)

S: oh well, I got to go to sport centre

SMS: oh ok

I’m absolutely sure that me and my supervisor are specialized on creating awkward situation

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Alienated

Sometimes after spent so much time together I thought I know someone really well, but by the end we have to separate, I realize that I knew nothing about that person.

Life is funny thing.

Human is indeed complicated creature.

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All about Ramadhan..

it comes without any announcement, but Ramadhan is definitely coming to town, despite of  what is stated on the praying application I will start my fasting a day later than normal one, blame me but I just want to follow Indonesian jama’ah

Ah… Ramadhan..

The name brings out all the memories about it, since I’m abroad it’s nothing like I’ll have nice memories about it at it left is only the reminiscence when I was younger, I’ll  start to write it before i lost all memories about it.

1. I miss my mom and my home situation during Ramadhan, my family has a custom to prepare meals (even heavy meals) long before the maghrib started, it means that the ta’jil (snack for iftar) already prepared like 2 hours before, and my mom always and always made fuss about it at it was always a big fuss if the cocktails is not prepared, and when the time is getting closer she’s getting more and more fussy, me and my brother call it ‘The mom’s syndrome’ and incidentally my sister also has that syndrome. Well, I guess that’s proved that the blood is really thicker than water.

2. When I was in Surabaya, I lived on a huge dormitory, it was such a nice place and really nice time (though sometimes I also had a bad time, but well life is not perfect anyway), sometimes during Ramadhan there was an old lady who sell food on really cheap food for sahur inside the dorm, so as I could imagine that lady woke up really early just to prepare the food and bring her super heavy food tray to sell us really cheap food (don’t ask the hygienic and the quality of the food), comes to think of it, she really helps us (the lazy girl) to eat some food for sahur. I miss her and her terrible cooking.

3. Again, when i was in college, my and my friends had a crazy idea to made some kind of  sahur catering, in a short word we woke up really early, we bought the food at night, we packed the stuff and send the packed food for someone who already ordered it, it was really crazy crazy time, sometimes we were packing the food while watching those european match (Imagine 6-7 hrs different from Europe), ooo Mela, Mbuchan, Amichan, Yono-san, you guys are really adorable, I really missed those time

4. Aaaah, ‘pulang kampung’ or homecoming, my most memorable homecoming is when I have to returned home fews days after one of my friend dies, it was really overwhelming and every time Ramadhan comes i always cried for her, not only because she’s no longer here but also all those future that she couldn’t possibly get, for already remind me that life is really short I have to say, thanks Dianita..

Lots of memories coming out when words of Ramadhan pops out, including some lonely ‘Iedul fitri’ on Netherlands, rushing up to get to the prayer, all those delicious tajil, all those family fight, the forgotten opor ayam that becomes rot after vacation. Aww.. those happy and also sad memories.

Time to walk on, time to make new memories about it.

All I’m trying to say is, have a nice ramadhan my friend, hopefully on this Ramadhan we could obtain the taqwa, will conduct all the worshipping in this holy month easily.

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Spoiled girl

When I’m stuck working on my thesis, when I thought that my idea is totally against what people thinks, when I think I made a huge mistake on my life that I couldn’t even mend, I’ll always cry, by the time I cried I always hope that someone pat my head and say ‘there, there, good girl, this thou shall pass, what you did is good enough, now cry as much as you can and later you can laugh again’

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updates

it’s been some times since i wrote my last posts, I’ve been so busy lately, especially this past week. the good news first, I started to work on my thesis, like seriously, I had a room on hydro lab, and work together in that room with several students, they are nice people, but sometimes I wondering why do I feel to be a stranger?

even though I’m officially working on my thesis, I still haven’t got any guts to talk to my supervisor (guilty as charged!) why? basically because I didn’t have (or I didn’t know)  anything to discuss with him, I guess i better started to work on my verification thingy (so work on it you lazy girl!)

what else? hmm, ms.T and ms.W visited Netherlands this week I was so happy, but oh well, I guess everytime i met my old friend it always made me really happy like super excited, it always great to hear about ms.T updates on her work, well especially from 3 of us i think she’s the one who has most successful career, working on oil company and such thing, geesh.. makes me feel to pity my life. ms.W still being indecisive, but she seems to take one of the biggest decision in her life here, to send her stuff back in Indonesia, still hoping to get a job here but still no progress, she said she will give up on 2-3 months before return back home, aww ms.W.. you finally.. listen to my advise..

hmm.. what else?

Koningennedag: went to photo hunting with ms.wi, she enjoyed all those times shopping some bric and brac, I’m enjoying taking photo of picture, it was really quite day, i thought it would be really crowded with music on every corner, but I enjoy this not so quiet weekend.

Keukenhof: it was my second time there, eventhough it’s the same arrangement from international office but I really enjoyed this time, the visitor is totally less than the last time I went there and the day was nice, err actually I’m little bit skeptic with dutch weather it started with the drizzle but as time goes by, the sun comes out (for like 5 minutes), but since the color of flowers are already bright, it was OK to take photo in low light, I’ll put another post that describe about the situation there.

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Undeliverable letter

Lately I had emotional roller coaster, partly due to my idleness, my unprogress thesis, my home sickness, my loneliness, my childish behavior, my jealousy of other people, but mostly it because I’m bored. By now I just want to write a letter to unknown person just to shout out my feeling.

I’m not a good person on expressing my feeling but I’m trying my best to relieve my anxiousness.

To whom it may concern,

I feel like my day in here is more and more useless. I felt like I’m belong to nowhere and don’t have anybody to go when I have trouble. You see, I’m in my third year studying abroad, all my friend already graduated, and I feel like I can’t be close with my recent friend, it’s not like we’re having a fight or something like that, but to be honest I haven’t found someone that I can share my shoes, I know that some of my friends also working on their graduation project but sometimes I feel I’m always step behind, I never be able to catch them, I can’t talk about my feelings neither or them ever talk about their feeling.

I feel like that I’m stuck on my own world, you know, I’m not actually needy person but sometimes I really want somebody beside me and sort kind of listen to what I’m saying without any condition.

My housemate seems to be unaware with this condition, she just want to let it slide, oh well, she’s a mother after all, she can spill any bean with her family, it’s not like I’m being left out or something like that, but I’m the type of people who wants to be part of other people life, it makes me feel special.

Perhaps, it’s all about my fright of being not accepted, that’s why it’s always hard for me to start a relationship, I like to be someone in the flow, not making my own path, it’s kind of creepy, if I have to walk my own path, alone.

I’m not a smart girl and I always think myself as someone who always make mistake, but I know that I can’t ALWAYS make mistake, there’s gotta be sometime when I did something right, but nobody telling me what to do and when did I do the right thing, so can I just blame them? I know it made like a brag girl, like a spoil girl, who can’t analyze her own mistake, but truly I’m quite tired of blaming myself.

I want to be a brave, you know like a heroine girl on a story or movie, where she can bravely make choices in their life, and live their choices as if they make the best decision, but with all doubts on my mind, I even don’t know what kind of choices that available in life. I’m just like a drop leaves on the ground, just stay there and wait for wind to blow and take me somewhere, but in my case the wind never come.

I don’t know what’s happening on my stupid mind, my small brain, my broken heart. But it made me stuck to do a single thing.

Just like I said before, I’m not really good on expressing my feeling but I hope you get all the desperation that I have, and by any chance please help me to solve my problem

Delft, April 2010

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