Lately I had emotional roller coaster, partly due to my idleness, my unprogress thesis, my home sickness, my loneliness, my childish behavior, my jealousy of other people, but mostly it because I’m bored. By now I just want to write a letter to unknown person just to shout out my feeling.
I’m not a good person on expressing my feeling but I’m trying my best to relieve my anxiousness.
To whom it may concern,
I feel like my day in here is more and more useless. I felt like I’m belong to nowhere and don’t have anybody to go when I have trouble. You see, I’m in my third year studying abroad, all my friend already graduated, and I feel like I can’t be close with my recent friend, it’s not like we’re having a fight or something like that, but to be honest I haven’t found someone that I can share my shoes, I know that some of my friends also working on their graduation project but sometimes I feel I’m always step behind, I never be able to catch them, I can’t talk about my feelings neither or them ever talk about their feeling.
I feel like that I’m stuck on my own world, you know, I’m not actually needy person but sometimes I really want somebody beside me and sort kind of listen to what I’m saying without any condition.
My housemate seems to be unaware with this condition, she just want to let it slide, oh well, she’s a mother after all, she can spill any bean with her family, it’s not like I’m being left out or something like that, but I’m the type of people who wants to be part of other people life, it makes me feel special.
Perhaps, it’s all about my fright of being not accepted, that’s why it’s always hard for me to start a relationship, I like to be someone in the flow, not making my own path, it’s kind of creepy, if I have to walk my own path, alone.
I’m not a smart girl and I always think myself as someone who always make mistake, but I know that I can’t ALWAYS make mistake, there’s gotta be sometime when I did something right, but nobody telling me what to do and when did I do the right thing, so can I just blame them? I know it made like a brag girl, like a spoil girl, who can’t analyze her own mistake, but truly I’m quite tired of blaming myself.
I want to be a brave, you know like a heroine girl on a story or movie, where she can bravely make choices in their life, and live their choices as if they make the best decision, but with all doubts on my mind, I even don’t know what kind of choices that available in life. I’m just like a drop leaves on the ground, just stay there and wait for wind to blow and take me somewhere, but in my case the wind never come.
I don’t know what’s happening on my stupid mind, my small brain, my broken heart. But it made me stuck to do a single thing.
Just like I said before, I’m not really good on expressing my feeling but I hope you get all the desperation that I have, and by any chance please help me to solve my problem
Delft, April 2010