Category Archives: unconcious mind

Nervous attack!

Lately I got some feeling that I became illeterate in English, I became really nervous when I have to talk to people in English, my pronounciation and vocabulary in English became really shabby

I don’t know why, (now I know why, it’s also related with my next post) perhaps it’s the side effect of coffee or too much japanese anime (it’s not like I became fluent in Japanese) or lack of sleeping or less frequent talking with people or too much concern on my mind or inability to be focus

Geesh, what’s wrong with me?

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childhood dream

What comes up on your mind everytime you saw CNN news?

Some people will say striking news from all around the world, or the news of east and west is quite balance, or just simply it’s an american propaganda (if you are extremist moslem, you will think of it)

For me it reminds of my childhood dream, as a child we wanted to be different than other, while other child dream to be a doctor or a teacher, I’d like to be a news reporter, and not only some reporter who works on everyday life news but also a war reporter.

How do I even think about that? well, one thing my dad subscribed to ‘Tempo’ magazine (they put similar content like ‘Time’ magazine) and by the time I was 6 or 7 the news of Gulf war is all over the media.  On one edition they made exclusive reportage about the anchor of CNN who covers the gulf war, it was intriguing, and for a small kid like me it was fascinating, by that time I decided that I want to be a war reporter when I grew up.

Time passes, and naturally I forgot about that dream, right now I’m taking master degree on an engineering course, since I’m taking it in Netherlands I saw a lot of CNN news and also their coverage of Afghanistan and Iraq, I have to admit that it really makes me look behind and wonders what will happen if I remember and follow my dream as a reporter, definitely things will be diferent.

In the meantime, I’ll just enjoy my time here as an international master student and making a reportage of my life from my point of view, hopefully someday I’ll be able to write on national newspaper or even better making a reportage for national television about an event in Netherland (yes,yes, keep dreaming)

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Filed under college life, unconcious mind


I’m living in Netherlands but I originally come from Indonesia. Many people knew it, but for those who didn’t t know it Indonesia used to be colonized by Netherlands, but after 350 years of colonizations  that country didn’t leave anything left except some old historical building, some dutch word that become Indonesian  language with Indonesian pronunciation and off course a habit of corruption.

Unlike Suriname and South Afrikaans two country that also used to be colonized, Indonesian language is totally different with dutch, our language is more like Malay with touch of arabic, french, dutch, and english. Furthermore when I came here I never thought I’ll to master master dutch language. But oh well, times move on and condition pushes me to learn, tot nu ik begrijp nederlands als ik lees en luisteren maar als ik praaten ik heb geen confidence.

My friend and I has initiative to create IndonesischeNederlands, something that kind of mix dutch and indonesian language and we have a dream to make it popular between the student and take it back to indonesia. Something like Singaporean English and Vietnamese French .The following are the example form:

-alsjeblijft dong ah = please dong ah = oh come on..

-ik heb honger euy, eten yu (it’ll work if you used sundanese accent) = I’m hungry, lets eat

and many other forms, hopefully with our initiative we could improve our dutch and create a new trends 🙂

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I felt kind of lonely since Mrs.E left, I called my mom that I haven’t called for months, when I told her that I haven’t done anything for my thesis for these 2 days, she asked me whether I’m eating right, whether I’m lonely and such thing.

Mommy, you never judge, never try to push me to the limit, but yet your word encourage me, this day she said told me all the story that I missed about my family, she told me how she missed me so much, and she encouraged me by her word

‘this day, try to do something positive OK’

I guess, that’s the way of my mom to encourage me and she knows me too well

mom, thanks for everything

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Unique soul

Last tuesday I took my friend to schiphol, she return to Indonesia after finished her studies here.

When I told to my labmates that I’m late because I just arrived from schiphol he asked me:

‘Which friend, is it the hitch hiking friend?’

and I said

‘No, it’s the friend that didn’t want to tell me her graduation’s grade’

and he gave the eyes of oh-you-are-surely-has-a-bunch-of-weird-friends

guilty as charged my friend, all my friends have their own unique soul

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Undeliverable letter

Lately I had emotional roller coaster, partly due to my idleness, my unprogress thesis, my home sickness, my loneliness, my childish behavior, my jealousy of other people, but mostly it because I’m bored. By now I just want to write a letter to unknown person just to shout out my feeling.

I’m not a good person on expressing my feeling but I’m trying my best to relieve my anxiousness.

To whom it may concern,

I feel like my day in here is more and more useless. I felt like I’m belong to nowhere and don’t have anybody to go when I have trouble. You see, I’m in my third year studying abroad, all my friend already graduated, and I feel like I can’t be close with my recent friend, it’s not like we’re having a fight or something like that, but to be honest I haven’t found someone that I can share my shoes, I know that some of my friends also working on their graduation project but sometimes I feel I’m always step behind, I never be able to catch them, I can’t talk about my feelings neither or them ever talk about their feeling.

I feel like that I’m stuck on my own world, you know, I’m not actually needy person but sometimes I really want somebody beside me and sort kind of listen to what I’m saying without any condition.

My housemate seems to be unaware with this condition, she just want to let it slide, oh well, she’s a mother after all, she can spill any bean with her family, it’s not like I’m being left out or something like that, but I’m the type of people who wants to be part of other people life, it makes me feel special.

Perhaps, it’s all about my fright of being not accepted, that’s why it’s always hard for me to start a relationship, I like to be someone in the flow, not making my own path, it’s kind of creepy, if I have to walk my own path, alone.

I’m not a smart girl and I always think myself as someone who always make mistake, but I know that I can’t ALWAYS make mistake, there’s gotta be sometime when I did something right, but nobody telling me what to do and when did I do the right thing, so can I just blame them? I know it made like a brag girl, like a spoil girl, who can’t analyze her own mistake, but truly I’m quite tired of blaming myself.

I want to be a brave, you know like a heroine girl on a story or movie, where she can bravely make choices in their life, and live their choices as if they make the best decision, but with all doubts on my mind, I even don’t know what kind of choices that available in life. I’m just like a drop leaves on the ground, just stay there and wait for wind to blow and take me somewhere, but in my case the wind never come.

I don’t know what’s happening on my stupid mind, my small brain, my broken heart. But it made me stuck to do a single thing.

Just like I said before, I’m not really good on expressing my feeling but I hope you get all the desperation that I have, and by any chance please help me to solve my problem

Delft, April 2010

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Filed under daily life, unconcious mind

About life

Today I saw this video,basically because I saw this video featured on youtube Nederlands page, the picture is little bit shocking  just as the title.

To be honest, I’m not a football fan, and since I don’t understand arabic, I can’t understand the comment. One thing for sure, it was a sudden death, the player was collapsed and passed away.

It was surely made me think about the value of life and how much precious every minute of it.

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